Responsible Speaking: How Words Shape the World

So a bit of controversy was stirred up when a “reality” TV personality made a statement explaining his views on how other people live.  Phil Robertson apparently quoted the Bible, expressed his religious beliefs, and caused a media storm of such epic proportions that even I couldn’t hide from the fallout (and I did try).

Personally, I don’t care what his beliefs are or how he interprets the Bible.  I really couldn’t care less if he worships Twinkies and believes we’re all reincarnated as Nac Mac Feegles who steal sheep for a living (that does sound like fun, doesn’t it?).  Nothing against Mr. Robertson, but his beliefs, like the beliefs of all “celebrities” and other public figures, have absolutely no bearing on my life, my faith, or my way of thinking.  He simply has no relevance in my little universe.  Zip. Zero. Nada.

However, because he is a public figure who works for a private company - Robertson has faced a bit of a fallout, which includes public outrage and a suspension from taking part in filming his show for A & E.  And as a public figure, his words get a lot of media coverage, and people take notice regardless of the intent of his words.  Unfortunately, in our world people on television are far more influential in our communities than teachers, or even (sadly) parents on occasion - and I’m not holding out hope that it will change any time soon.

Again - I don’t personally care what Robertson believes, but I do care about the affect his statement has on our society, the people I love (who deserve to live without facing oppressive comments from anyone), and the kids who hear it.  There is an old cliché that claims that sticks and stones cause harm, but words are innocuous.  Well, that little saying is a pure metric ton of bullcrappage and I’m really tired of people not acknowledging the harm their words can inflict on others.

Words are powerful.  If you don’t believe me, go up to someone who respects you and tell them that they are a loser and see if they aren’t a wee bit emotionally pained.  Tell someone that you love and admire them and you will see someone who feels accepted.  That is power, my friends.

Please (pretty please?) don’t start talking about Robertson’s 1st Amendment right to free speech.  No one is denying he has to right to say what he wants without fearing government censorship or imprisonment (which is what that amendment says.  No really, I’ve read it and I’d never lie to you).  No one who understands the meaning behind the freedom of speech guarantee is debating his right to speak out in whatever venue he is offered.  But his employer does have the right to terminate employment or suspend him according to their policies.  TV is a billion dollar a year business, and businesses don’t like it when employees mess with their financial bottom line.  It agitates the execs something fierce.

When I talk about taking responsibility, I am talking about paying attention to how our words impact society and shape how young people see the world - and themselves.  In a time when children as young as 12 are killing themselves because they are harassed and ostracized by their peers, and as bullying and peer violence is becoming more commonplace in news reports, perhaps it’s time for us adults to step back and consider what our words are really saying to the kids who are listening.

The brains of adolescents (specifically the frontal cortex) are not developed enough to think critically about statements public figures make, and these youth are extremely susceptible to outside influences due to the power of the social-emotional area of their brains (Steinberg, 2007).  Add to that the way in which children look to adults to learn how to emulate “normal" behaviors, and we have an issue on our hands because we are exposing them to hateful, oppressive, and even exclusionary speech - and they may start to believe that this is not only okay, it's a normal part of our world.

When we talk about how one group (any group) of people are bad or wrong - or inferring that they are somehow not normal by using terms like "sinning," we are making judgments about those people.  I know, I know - I’ve heard the whole “hate the sin, not the sinner” mantra, but that’s not how it shakes out in real life.  When we judge behaviors, we are judging those who are manifesting those behaviors.  You cannot claim to accept (or love) someone and then negate part of who they are - that’s just not realistic or genuine.

And what this says to kids is, “if you’re not like the rest of us - you’re wrong.”  And feeling wrong can translate to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation, which can turn into depression, anxiety - and even worse.  How can we expect children to accept themselves and each other when adults cannot even show a modicum of tolerance for those who believe differently than they do? (I’m looking at you, Congress).  When non-heterosexuals face ridicule, threats of violence, state-sanctioned oppression, and even incarceration for life (Uganda - we're on to you) - how can we even hope to create a safe and supportive environment for children and teens who are struggling to figure out who they are?

Robertson can keep on saying whatever he wants and believing as he sees fit - but the next time we decide to make a big deal out of what some “famous” person says publicly, let’s take a few seconds and try to understand how that message is shaping our world, and what it’s saying to our children - and maybe talk to the kids about how it makes them feel.  The next time we are tempted to think that words are simply a string of harmless sounds that emanate from our lips, let’s remember that words can create strong emotions and reactions in all of us - and can have negative consequences for the most vulnerable of humans.

~Erika

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Steinberg, L. (2007). Risk taking in adolescence: New perspectives from brain and behavioral science. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(2), 55-59. doi:10.1111/j. 1467-8721.2007.00475.x 

With thanks to my friend Adam for his bumper sticker statement and motivating me to write about the silliness of it all.

All of Me

This is the place where I normally write down the random thoughts that travel through my addled brain.  For years I have focused on keeping a positive spin on things in hopes that anyone wandering through may find something to make them smile.  Life can be overwhelming and I wanted to offer a word or two of support to those needing help to lighten their load.  

But that’s only one side of me.

For a long time I’ve had this urge to do something more.  In my nearly 45 years of life I’ve faced my own struggles, failed and floundered in a myriad of creative ways before coming to a place of peace and acceptance about myself.  Since then I have had a passion to use my meager skills to work towards tangible change in the lives of those who are the most vulnerable - our children.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to find ways to mitigate some of the mental and emotional damage that terrorizes the kids who have had the misfortune to be born in communities that are ruled by poverty to parents who are unprepared to care for them in a society that does not respect them because they are wrapped in skin that is tinted a different color.  This is more than a passion or a job - it is a calling and a privilege. 

Though I remain a positive person and endeavor to share that with those around me, I am also a women with endless passion driven by a tempered anger at the inequality and divisiveness that dominates our society.  It pains me to see the apathy that rules our politics and the petty squabbles that divert precious energy and funds away from creating a more just environment for all humans.

Until now this place has been filled with positive thoughts that have been carefully sterilized so that most of the challenges I deal with on a daily basis never reach your eyes.  However, my work is such a huge part of who I am that separating it from what I send out into the world through this little page is disingenuous.  

From now forward this space will be filled with all of me - the perpetually positive woman who craves a release from the negativity that permeates our culture and the overwhelming desire to speak out against the insanity that separates us and devalues all humanity.

As a rule I don’t delve into a public discourse on politics because it usually grows into a disagreement over which ideology is the correct one - and I don’t find that to be very productive, so it is not something that I will be discussing or debating.  Though I welcome discussion on many topics, because that’s what brings change, debates are a waste of air and serve only to stroke the egos of those too insecure and small minded to consider the validity of opposing views.

Agree with me or don’t.  Read what I write or ignore it. The kind and gentle words that were once at home here will now be a bit more spicy. The uplifting thoughts I once shared will be joined with the heavier concerns that I struggle with. But please know that these are just simple words coming from a very honest heart.

You're Not the Boss of Me

I’m fortunate to do work that I love with so many amazing people.  Some of these people have lived painful lives, yet they manage to hold on to the rare moments of joy.  Others have moved from one disappointment to another without ever giving up.  They are quiet heroes who trust themselves enough to be beautifully human.

People think that it's my role to help others find their truth.  However, this week I was the one who learned something very profound, and I wanted to share it with you because I believe that it is important:

Making friends with our emotions helps us to make friends with ourselves.

Life is not constant, it is not perfect - nor is it meant to be.  We cannot control the world around us, but we can decide how we react to it.  Sometimes we react to the world without thinking, without giving ourselves the space to understand what we are reacting too.  

Sometimes we move when we don't know which direction is the right one for us.

It can be a challenge to deal with the world around us we face unexpected struggles.  This is usually when we react without thinking and become subjugated by our feelings.  Emotions are a huge part of being human, but not everyone is comfortable with all of those strange swirls of sentiment churning around inside of us.  

Emotions can be difficult to manage and hard to accept...unless we are willing to spend some quality time with them.

The biggest problem with these sensations is that we’ve been convinced that they only come in two sizes: good and bad.  Believing that feelings have a specific value limits how we view them.  If we consider an emotion to be bad, then we aren’t going to be comfortable with experiencing it, are we?  And that can limit how we view our own experiences.

But what if emotions are just...emotions?  Not good or bad, not right or wrong.  How about accepting that they are simply a part of us - the part of us that makes us wonderfully complicated and beautifully flawed beings with the capability to experience amazing things.  

Sometimes we do feel anger, or hate, or disappointment - things that society tells us are wrong, but these sentiments are quite normal and perfectly acceptable.  

Emotions can be problematic when they cause actions that harm others through hurtful words or inappropriate actions.  Or when we fail to accept that what is going on inside of us is natural.  How often have we turned against ourselves for not reacting the way we want to, or for experiencing some sentiment that doesn’t jive with our particular brand of logic?

Rather than turn that anger inward, why not sit with those emotions and get to know them? Go ahead and befriend them and accept that they are a part of you - and You are pretty awesome.

As I end the week I look forward to getting better acquainted with those intangible sensations that bounce about inside of me as I go about my life.  This week was pretty awesome - and with my emotions as my allies rather than occasionally bossy me about, the future will undoubtedly be pretty amazing.

Love and Chocolate,

~Erika

Bullies & Other Annoying Things

Most people who know me understand that I spend between 12 and 15 hours a day, 7 days a week working towards my goal of advocating for marginalized adolescents in at-risk environments, and to ensure that future laws and policies are written in ways that will protect and encourage our nation’s youth.  Helping kids and their families is my passion and my calling, so it takes something major to tear me away from my work.

Today, something major occurred and I think it warrants some attention: Bullies.

One of the greatest inventions of our time is the internet.  It has allowed people from all regions of the world to form a global community where we can break down harmful stereotypes, share positive ideas, and work towards ending horrors like poverty, wars, violence, human trafficking, and the other ills that humanity continues to face around the world.

On the other hand, the internet can be used for terrible things as well, and one of its most annoying uses is to bully people that they disagree with, or spread untruths that do far more harm than good.  Some people may still believe that bullying only happens in schools.

Sadly, no.

Social media is ubiquitous and, as was seen during the Spring Uprisings in the Middle East, it can be used for good such as informing the world about those courageous enough to fight against oppressive regimes.  But it can also be used for smear campaigns that don’t actually solve anything.  Rather than lashing out with words and attacking innocent people, how about donating to an organization that does work for good - or volunteer your time, or be a person who makes a positive difference in the world?

Why not effect positive change?  Because being a bully is easy.

Doing something positive takes work.  Finding out the truth and ensuring that you’re making positive change means using your mind and your hands rather than your mouth.

Seeking the truth and working for the good of others is hard.  Attacking people and bullying those who won’t cower to your threats is easy and it allows the bullies to proclaim that they are important defenders of whatever cause they are supposed to be defending without having to do any actual work.

It is no simple task to help another human - it demands compassion, selflessness, and true passion.  I salute those who have quietly dedicated their lives to doing good and making the world a better place.  I applaud those who seek out the truth and ensure that their words are used to uplift and empower rather than needlessly assault and demean.  To defend a person when it means you may lose all that you hold dear is a sacrifice not many would be brave enough to make.

To those facing bullies, I pray for you and wish you strength and peace in your struggles.  You are not alone, and you are valued.

To the bullies, I offer my sympathy and my compassion.  I don’t pretend to understand why people bully, or what pain lives so deep in their hearts that they need to lash out. But I feel sorry for them...and I hope that they will someday learn to use their energy for good and perhaps they will understand what it means to really do something worthwhile.

For now...I believe that those who take the time to really change things for good far out number the bullies. Through my work I see the bad that people can do - but I still see more good in the world, and that is a truth worth knowing.

Love and chocolate,
~Erika

You're an Idiot

In the ancient world Roman generals would return home to joyous fanfare as they rode through the streets in triumph.  As the crowds went wild and chanted the general's name, a man would follow behind him and whisper, “You are mortal.”  The Romans didn’t want their generals to develop an enormous ego, or to forget that behind every great man is another man waiting to cut him down to size.

Literally.

We don’t need anyone to remind us that we’re mortal or be concerned that we may get too big for our britches.  In fact, we have the opposite problem.  As a culture, we have become so critical of ourselves, so quick to dismiss our worth that we are drowning in self-doubt and depression.  It’s as if we are followed around by our own little voice whispering, “You’re an idiot.  You’re not worthy.”  

And we’re believing it.

Not a day goes by without hearing someone bemoaning the 15 calories they ingested during the day, which have left them feeling guilty and glum.  Sometimes I watch experienced people second-guessing themselves out of fear that they do not have the ability to make the right decision.  All too often I see amazing people live in doubt, too paralyzed to live a life of acceptance and love.

We really need to work on this.

We are beginning a season dedicated to love and compassion (in theory) where we work to look upon our fellow humans with kindness rather than distain.  How about we make a point of doing this for ourselves as well?  Why don’t we set aside some time to see ourselves with compassion and kindness?

Why don’t we just give ourselves a break?

You are not perfect, and you never will be.  But you are so very beautiful in your humanity that I cannot imagine our world without you.

Our society of shallowness will consistently remind you that you have failed to meet the standards and that your imperfections are an abomination.  Are these the voices you really want to listen to?  Unfortunately, once we have accepted and internalized these thoughts - we are fighting against ourselves, which is a losing battle, even for those great Roman generals. 

I know it isn’t easy to change how you see yourself - we’ve all been conditioned through the years to be overly critical of our imperfections, but it can be done.  

Put aside some time every day to focus on the things that you appreciate about yourself.  Ask your friends and family how they see you - because they are looking at us through the lens of love, which gives them gentler eyes.  Write down the characteristics that you’re proud of on little pieces of paper and place them around the house, in your car, in your wallet and let them serve as a reminder that you are pretty awesome.

Life is short and we don’t get a lot of time to focus on ourselves, so when we have those spare moments on our own, let’s use them to exercise some self-compassion, some acceptance.  You will be amazed at how much brighter the day is.

And if that negative voice is still following you around, call me.  We can have some chocolate cake and coffee until there is nothing left but quiet whispers saying, “We’re so glad you’re here.”

Bitchy Ain't Cute

When did rudeness become a characteristic that we applaud?  Did I miss the memo stating that being a mean-spirited jerk was the new standard of behavior that we should celebrate?

What gives?

I understand that political pundits are supposed to devolve into immature children with their vile, dehumanization of political figures and those who hold to a different ideology then they do because it is part of their schtick...and it is probably in their contract to be as revolting as possible.

Comedians are another breed of entertainers that tend towards the crude and ruthless like wild animals feeding on the pain and vulnerabilities of others.  I imagine that most comedy routines are based on their own personal pain and suffering; sharing it with a willing crowd is perhaps a cathartic release that offers public acceptance and the approval they never had as a kid.

But what about these “reality” shows like the Real Housewives, Bad Girl’s Club and Jersey Shore?  Who came up with the idea that bitchy, whiny and immature people should not only have their appalling behavior glorified, but they should be paid major cash for doing it for the cameras?

I get why the people in the media are rude: they’re getting paid. What I don’t understand is why it has become socially acceptable?  Why have basic manners evaporated...why do people treat each other with such disrespect, even taking to social media to spew their hate?

Maybe because being mean is easy.  Being cruel to another person takes much less energy than being considerate and thoughtful.  But lazy is no excuse to unleash such atrocious behavior onto another human.

When a person treats another unkindly, it speaks volumes about their own issues.  A cruel person reveals their own insecurities as they aim their pain at someone else.  A jerk showcases his or her own flaws and private shame when attacking another person verbally or physically.  One who speaks ill of others, who prefers vengeance to forgiveness, or holds a grudge rather than seeks reconciliation is a person with deep-seated, unresolved pain.

I don’t fear them, I don’t applaud or celebrate them - I pity them.  

Those who choose to spew hatred towards others, whether real or media-related, is a vulnerable soul in need of some compassion and tender care...though their personal issues do not absolve them of their hurtful behavior.  So when you see someone being a jerk, or if you’re feeling a little jerk-like yourself, take a second to understand what is really behind it all.

No, bitchy ain’t cute and there is no excuse for it.  Life is too short and too far too prescious to support bad behavior from adults, and it’s way too short to live with the inner pain that causes it.

Stitched Together

Stitched Together Nov 2 2012

I was recently asked if I experience any resentment about my often chaotic childhood.  This is an important question because I spend my days working with adolescents, many of whom have faced unspeakable trauma and horrific abuse, and when you work with those who have known such pain, it is important know your own emotions.  

I answered the question with an immediate and very firm, “No.”  I did not have to think about the question because I had spent many years trapped in the emotional bondage of my past and I can honestly say that I am at peace with it.  But how did I go from that frightened, unhappy little girl to the confident, joy-filled woman I am today?  I learned to love and accept my scars.

And now I have a brand new scar that I’m learning to love.

Three months ago from this very day I underwent cardiac surgery to stitch up a hole in my heart.  In the spring I was told that my heart had a defect that was making it work far more than it wanted to, and they could see the beginning signs of damage.  So I spent my summer vacation having my sternum cut in two, my lungs deflated and my heart stopped so that a talented team of surgeons could play seamstress.

I’m not going to lie: it sucked.

There is nothing good about being cut open, and there is nothing fun or glamorous about spending 10 days in the hospital wondering if my heart was going to remember how to beat.  Recovery has been slow and steady, but I figure that I lived 43 years with a giant hole in my heart, I can pretty much survive anything.  I have learned a lot about the power of keeping a positive perspective and about sheer, undaunted determination.

As grateful as I am for the work of my incredible medical team for fixing my heart, there is still the matter of scars.  There is the giant one down the center of my chest, the triad of round marks on my neck where various IV lines and monitors were, and the occasional dots and dashes that decorate my midsection to mark the intrusion of tubes and electrical wires that kept me connected to lifesaving machines.  Each scar that remains was once a necessary incision that reminds me how blessed I am to be here today with a perfectly functioning heart.

Every single scar tells a part of the story of who I am.  Each mark is a milestone along the journey to become the person that I am proud to be, just as my emotional and mental scars are.  We are not whole and complete beings at birth - we are an amalgamation of our experiences stitched together with the ongoing threads of time.

My past has not always been pretty.  The days of my youth were smattered with physical violence and emotional damage that took a long time to heal, but I did eventually heal because I found a way to integrate those pieces into me without the feelings of guilt that can sometimes make us ashamed of who we are.  

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I’m certainly not done growing up and figuring out the many different facets of who I am, and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with not having had a perfect childhood because forgiveness of others is an amazing gift that only you can give yourself. 

I have lots of scars now; some physical and some invisible to the human eye, but I've grown to appreciate them because they are all a part of me and I kinda like me.  I like that I can empathize with those who have known tragic times.  I like that I have enough compassion to try and see people for who they are without judgment or prejudice.  I like that I laugh at silly things and that I can find joy in even the tiniest of accomplishments.  I like that the people who love me think that I’m worth the effort.

It’s been a long three months since I was cut open like a boiled lobster, but now I have the chance to be a lot more me, and that's certainly worth some pain and suffering along the way.  So here’s to another 43 years of scars, stitches, and becoming the best of me.